The torturous 2week wait

Well,
I've been up and down physically and emotionally since last Thursday. Had my retrieval in the morning. DH was with me when they did the retrieval. I was out during the procedure and woke up in another room about half an hour later.

I had to lie down for another 2 hrs, which was difficult. My DH fell asleep on the chair waiting for me to 'recover'. My tummy felt real sore and I was so worried about how many eggs they managed to collect.

2 hours later, the nurse gave me something warm to drink. I got up fast and that was a mistake, cos' I reeled over and had to lie down some more. Later they made me go to the toilet to pee to check that there was no blood in my urine. There was none but I almost passed out again and had to bend over and put me head in between my knees to keep from fainting. It was not a pleasant experience.

So anyway, somehow managed to get dressed and go to doctor's office which was on the floor above. Found out I only had 7 eggs. I didn't know how to react, just wanted to go home. Almost passed out again when I got out of the car and puked buckets into a paper bag. DH almost carried me home.


So anyway, got a call from the nurse the next day and she told me out of 7 eggs only 5 were mature and 2 fertilised. Only two. I cried and prayed so hard for my eggs that night and made my mom and DH pray along. I was so scared the two embies would not survive overnight.

On Saturday, I still felt bloated but no longer pukey. Went in for the Egg Transfer and it was over in 5 minutes. Later the embryologist came to DH and me and told us more about our embies. There was quite a bit of fragmentation (I guess they take after me, so fragile and fragmented)and their grades were 2 to 3 (1 being the best and 4 being the worst.)

So anyway, that was that. will be off work till this weekend but have been dreaming about work every night. Have been crying and praying lots and talking to my embies and telling them that I love them even if they're not perfect. I test on 8 Aug to see if I'm pregnant and don't know if I'll post till then.

Just so so consumed with fear, hope, anxiety, depression...I guess just being SO MYSELF right now.

When my brother passed away, he had a contented smile on his face which was difficult to achieve when you die from an accident. But I think it was a look of relief..finally knowing some answers,you know...

I'm praying for a miracle.

Soon..

I'm on leave from work. Had my trigger shot last night and my butt was a bit sore for the rest of the night. Felt really bloated this morning.
Tomorrow I get my eggs retrieved! I'm so nervous. I hope they manage to collect many good eggs and they all fertilise to the best grade embryos possible!

I've been reading the Infertle Myrtle comics and I'm thinking, they're really funny, but sometimes I'm taken aback by the way pregnant women are constantly dissed there. I still enjoy the dark humour though.

I'm not going to say too much lest I offend anyone. I have learnt so much from infertility forums/websites/blogs and I know it's hard to stay positive when you feel let down time after time.

Last week I was talking to my kids about the Buddhist belief (it was a topic on Religions and Philosophies) that the root of all suffering is human desire.

Desire makes you nervous, anxious, sad, angry, jealous... and a whole lot of negative emotions.

But putting aside all my desires makes me depressed. Life is confusing. Sometimes we teach better than we learn.

I shall try to stay calm and balanced.

A Prayer for Annie

Went to see my RE (doctor) yesterday. My follicles are doing okay. In fact he said he was quite happy with my progress, as I was producing "not too little and not too many"but he said it very cautiously. Anyway, I'd probably have my eggs retrieved on Wednesday or Thursday. Then they would be fertilised by DH's 'swimmers' in a petri dish and hopefully transferred back into my uterus by Saturday or Sunday. After that, I'd have a 2 week-wait(2ww) before we can test to see if the IVF has succeeded.

Actually, my doctor need not have been worried about overpromising me anything. I know the deal. Only 1 in 3 succeed, and DH and me know at the end of the day we have to accept whatever God wants to give us. He knows best and I'll walk down whichever path he chooses for me. How do I know IVF is the correct path? I don't. But we've been trying to conceive for 5 out of the 6 years we've been married now and let's just say the series of events we've had to go through [which included my younger brother's death (10 years younger but wiser than me,he was MY PRECIOUS -part of my heart died that day)2 years ago] has led us to where we are right now.

I feel like Virginia Woolf, with all these parentheses. Sometimes I feel like her. All alone and not able to get out of dark waters i get myself into. Sometimes I feel like I live in permanent state of pain, but then I pray and HE relieves my pain.

I'm aware of all the risks that I'm putting myself in (physically, emotionally and spiritually), but I'm willing to try. I feel so special already, having a 1 in 3 chance. I have a blocked fallopian tube (which reduces my chance of conceiving greatly- my husband is fine) so IVF would help us bypass my tubes. I've added a link to an infertility blog hosted by a fertility specialist if anybody wants to know more..I don't feel I'm qualified to answer the more technical questions.

Please pray for me.

Wild mood swings

I was supervising some kids (16 year-olds) after school today and suddenly got hungry. So took a candy bar and ate it while they were doing their work. I looked up and realised one of the boys had been staring at me fascinatedly. This was the same boy I caught masturbating in my class last year. I thought it was the topic that got him going then (I was talking about Hitler) but now I'm not so sure.Anyway, this is absolutely random and irrelevant.

But I've not had sex for a while now and really badly want to but don't know if it'll affect anything. Anyway, going to have a scan tomorrow to see if eggs are ready to be retrieved. I'm guessing not yet.

Since I'm being random and irrelevant, this Cure song reminds me of me and this blog.

This is stranger than I thought
Six different ways inside my heart
And everyone I'll keep tonight
Six different ways go deep inside

I'll tell them anything at all
I know I'll give them more and more
I'll tell them anything at all
I know I'll give the world and more
They think I'm on my hands and head
This time they're much too slow

Six sides to every lie I say
It's that American voice again
It was never quite like this before
Not one of you is the same

This is stranger than I thought
Six different ways inside my heart
And everyone I'll keep tonight
Six different ways go deep inside

If you haven't listened to this song you should... it sounds like a caterpillar walking.. I don't know how to explain.

I don't care if Mondays' blue, Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too..

I didn't go to work yesterday. It was too much trouble to get out of bed. Don't really know what to say but just felt like writing something down. Feeling cramps in my tummy (actually abdomen) but I think it's a good sign, Grow, follicles, grow. Before IF (infertility) I'd always thought only hair had follicles.

My head hurts.

I've been working about 14 to 16 hours a day these days, and I'm really tired. We're now up to 2 injections every morning, one Lucrin and one Gonal F. My DH is pretty gentle and it didn't hurt initially but after 2 weeks of having needles poked into my tummy every morning and then having to go to work and pretend that everything's the same, I 'm exhausted. My DH says I've been a good girl cos' I don't complain and quietly take the injections everyday. Sometimes it hurts though. I try not to think too much about it but these days I do feel like I want to burst out crying at work, except nobody (except my boss) knows and I have to keep on smiling and being professional,mature Annie.

My head hurts and I really want to sleep right now but I've still got piles of work to go through. It's better if DH is around but he's on the afternoon shift today and I've got no one to snuggle up against. He usually makes me feel less guilty about work.

I think I'll go lie down and cry now.

Today

I'd written a few things in here and then one day decided to delete everything. Like I said, I appear normal to most but some close friends correctly suspect my disfunctional nature.
It was liberating deleting all those files though. Very deliciously self-destructive and without much consequence, except maybe pissing off some readers. (sorry)

It's strange. I'd done this before. I wrote a poem for a boyfriend once, read it to him and tore it up immediately cos' I didn't want him to remember it. He was pissed off and confused. I have a fear of being remembered.

I 'm not sure why. Like I said, I don't know what to do with me.