Sunday, November 26, 2006

No appropriate title for this

Went for the laparoscopy and hysterescopy on Monday. I have a hole in my belly button and one or two holes just above my pubic bone ( it's all covered up now, I'll get to see them in two weeks time). The operation only took an hour but I only properly woke up a few hours later.
Anyway, will take a break from medical intervention for a year, even though my doc said i should only wait 6 months before i see him again. We'll see.

I watched Notre Dame de Paris the musical recently - twice! It was so...magnifique!(it was in French but they had English subtitles.)

My hubby and I are planning to go to Paris next June. If nothing else works, maybe Paris will.

By the way, I'm still thinking about writing more about my brother, as Dianne suggested. Maybe. It's kind of hard.

Maybe just a short introduction for now?

He was 20. Loved football. Was a mean goalkeeper. In fact his favourite book when he was 9 was The Goalkeeper's Revenge (i've never read it..maybe I'll find it in the library next week)

He was doing his national service in the Civil Defence Force and was supposed to march in the National Day Parade the day after he died. He had been training real hard for it and had polished his boots, all ready for the parade. We found them next to his bed.

He loved poetry but wrote it in secrecy. I only found out when I saw his diaries. (which I destroyed after..sort of burying it with him). He loved books but read in private. He was shy about his intellectual interests. He loved to take photos, of himself and others.

He loved anything with wheels. My mom was divorced by the time he was three and we were not really that well off so he didn't have that many toys. But he was really resourceful with what he had. He kept all his toys in a bag in the kitchen and would 'recycle' them in many creative ways. He liked those models of airplane, cars and motorcycles that you had to put together and paint. He only had one model car so he used to scrape its paint and repaint it once every few weeks to update it.
He carried this 'passion' for model design into his teens. He made a model of an Aprilia Motorcycle (the motorcycle my husband was riding then) out of chocolates and shyly gave it to us as a wedding gift when he was 15.
He loved his Yamaha bike when he got it at 19.

He was a devoted boyfriend. He wrote poems for her and loved her and fought with her and made up with her and discussed how much an engagement ring would cost him with my mom and me sometimes. They were supposed to watch the National Day fireworks that night, but I guess God had other plans for him.

He was a loyal friend and very popular because he was so easygoing. The shock on his best friend's face, the silent grief throughout the funeral, made me so sad. He was just sitting in the corner in my house for a long time afterwards, at a loss for words.

My brother thought I was the smartest, most sensible person in the world who knew everything, and even if I didn't, he always thought I would find out.
He was my mother's sweetheart, and so was my mom his.

Okay, I think this is enough for now. There's so much more but I can't go on.

This is an appeal. I do not want any 'advice' on how motorcycles can kill (I know, my mom knew, he knew) and how we shouldn't have let him ride (i hated those insensitive people during the funeral who thought they were helping - NOW THIS IS REAL ADVICE- next time you go to a funeral,just SHUT UP and look sad!!!).
Recently in Singapore, 5 people between the ages of 16 to 35 died in their sleep in the space of a few weeks with no prior symptoms of disease, and according to the Ministry of Health apparently this happens pretty often. You can get killed sitting on a beach in Thailand. LIFE can KILL you. So NO reference to the lethal consequences of motorcycles please. I still watch the MotoGP every other week and get crushed when Rossi doesn't get to the podium and I still love my husband's Blackbird and ride it ocassionally, even though we have a car too now.

Anyway, I better stop. See Dianne, this is is why it was so hard. But I'm glad I said it.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Heavy stuff

Not feeling too good today. My period came again so I went to see my doctor and will go for surgery to try to unblock my right tube and clear whatever's blocking my chances for conception. My hubby's worried about me but right now I'm at my wit's end and I guess I'm game for anything at this stage.

Have been depressed and crying about my brother too, though not telling anyone (in real life) about it. It's tough, but there's nothing much i can do about anything. Had a real great work review with my superior who said the way I handled my brother's death and how I didn't let it affect my performance showed real strength on my part...I know he meant it as a compliment but I kept waking up in the middle of the night the following few nights after with his words ringing in my ears and such a sense of emptiness in me. My brother's death.. real strength on my part.. good work review.. Doesn't seem right. I don't know how to analyse this, I just feel sad.

It's getting harder to remember the times we had together, though sometimes these pictures of the past pop up real clear in my head when I least expect it.

I don't know to whether wait gracefully for death or to fight hard for this life. I guess I'm in between things right now. I just hope I don't slip through the cracks.