Heavy stuff
Not feeling too good today. My period came again so I went to see my doctor and will go for surgery to try to unblock my right tube and clear whatever's blocking my chances for conception. My hubby's worried about me but right now I'm at my wit's end and I guess I'm game for anything at this stage.
Have been depressed and crying about my brother too, though not telling anyone (in real life) about it. It's tough, but there's nothing much i can do about anything. Had a real great work review with my superior who said the way I handled my brother's death and how I didn't let it affect my performance showed real strength on my part...I know he meant it as a compliment but I kept waking up in the middle of the night the following few nights after with his words ringing in my ears and such a sense of emptiness in me. My brother's death.. real strength on my part.. good work review.. Doesn't seem right. I don't know how to analyse this, I just feel sad.
It's getting harder to remember the times we had together, though sometimes these pictures of the past pop up real clear in my head when I least expect it.
I don't know to whether wait gracefully for death or to fight hard for this life. I guess I'm in between things right now. I just hope I don't slip through the cracks.
Have been depressed and crying about my brother too, though not telling anyone (in real life) about it. It's tough, but there's nothing much i can do about anything. Had a real great work review with my superior who said the way I handled my brother's death and how I didn't let it affect my performance showed real strength on my part...I know he meant it as a compliment but I kept waking up in the middle of the night the following few nights after with his words ringing in my ears and such a sense of emptiness in me. My brother's death.. real strength on my part.. good work review.. Doesn't seem right. I don't know how to analyse this, I just feel sad.
It's getting harder to remember the times we had together, though sometimes these pictures of the past pop up real clear in my head when I least expect it.
I don't know to whether wait gracefully for death or to fight hard for this life. I guess I'm in between things right now. I just hope I don't slip through the cracks.
posted by AnnieSeed at 5:26 PM
5 Comments:
Heavy stuff indeed, Annie.
Do you feel guilty that it looked to someone else as though you were coping well?
Those memories that pop up clearly when you least expect them... I think those are the ones that never leave us. A random event occurs, and we find ourselves remembering things - conversations, quirks, sometimes silly things - from years ago.
People who wait for death rarely remain graceful.
There is a path, Annie. A path through the pain. I know that sometimes it gets real difficult to even see that path, let alone to walk along it, but you have to.
And... you have to want to. I don't think you want to at the moment.
I cannot claim to even begin to truely understand your situation. So it is 'easy' for me to sit here and tell you what to do. (I say 'easy' because I'm trying to tell you what I think, whilst at the same time really rather frightened of adding to your burdens)
But I do so hope that you can find your way out of this. I can see how terrible it all must be for you, and I can see the teriffic effort it takes to try to be strong in the face of such things.
Take care.
(Sorry, I am lost for anything else to say)
I don't know if i'm feeling guilty or not... it's hard to rationalise this because all I'm feeling right now is a great big hole in my stomach/heart/anatomy/being. Even if I eventually figure it all out it does not change the fact that he's not here, so I don't really feel the need to arrive at a certain conclusion.I guess I'm just letting myself feel..whatever. But all this reflection happens inside my own world and no one (irl) really knows how i still feel..and I'd like to keep it that way for a while. Thanks for listening.
I may not be too good at the "knowing what to say" part, or the "working out what to say in an appropriate way" part, but I can do the "listening" part ;)
It just unfortunately tends to have some random bits plopped on the end of the listening.
Regarding not feeling the "need to arrive at a certain conclusion", I think that there is only one real conclusion, and of that you are already aware.
He's not here. You are.
Have you considered talking to anyone IRL about it at all? What about someone "anonymous" who doesn't know you; a counsellor or something?
I shall keep listening.
If you ever feel the need to say anything more "directly", you are more than welcome to e-mail me, inspmonkfish at yahoo.co.uk (sorry for writing in slightly silly way, just trying to avoid automated spam)
Now, I really should be doing some work...
One of my sisters has terminal cancer and nothing will ever be the same again when she dies. I know, at least i still have her at present and i am so very thankful that i do have some time, albeit a little, it is something.
I would be interested to hear about your brother, his personality, his life, his passions; what you loved about him, if ever you wanted to tell.
:~)
Dianne,
I'm so sorry. I sometimes don't know if I'd have had the strength to let him go if I knew beforehand he was going to die.
But I've come to the point that we all die eventually and we just don't know when, so everyday is so precious.
I still see him in my dreams, though not as often as I'd like to.
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