A little more than two years later

What do you know. I gave up trying to conceive after my second failed ivf attempt. And I got pregnant naturally a year later. Cried everyday till I hit 13 weeks bcos I thought it was God's joke and that he would take it away once I believed it was true. But now he's one and he's so funny and lovely and every bit me and my hubby. 10years. Who would have thought I would be one of those stories. Anyway, I still hate work and have been feeling bummed lately, but I've decided to updatethis blog that has helped me through my darkest moments, in case anyone stumbles upon this and needs a little hope. Don't stop believing.

What gives me peace

My husband's hands. The way he smells. My cat Ben. Lily when she sleeps. My dress from Desigual. My mom's bed. Sitting by my brother's grave. Water. Fresh flowers. Lemons. A good book. Tame hair. Clean towels.

One year later

I hate feeling guilty about not doing work. But I hate work more. So.

Random Reflections

No Tag Heuer watch can replace the joy that Friday brings.

An interesting answer written by a student in a test paper :

List four conditions necessary for a Golden Age:

People must be innovative and creative, there are famous painters , there is HARDLY ANY RAIN and people do not live in poverty.

Another student wrote :

There must be achievements in sciences and there must be plenty of poultry.

By the way in case YOU're listening

I don't care to read about fragmentation or immune disorder problems or blocked tubes or percentages or wheatgrass anymore. I know it's not up to me so it does not matter how much I know.

YOU're GOD AND YOU CAN DO ANYTHING! So..if you're reading this, I want a baby. I don't care about the scientific details. I WANT a B-A-B-Y! The thing that cries and burps and crawls then grows.

Rant

I feel about ready to explode. I'd lost my Tag Heuer a few days back, not sure when. Then 2 days ago some students stole 90 dollars from my pencil case. Why do I work so hard for these people? I have to wake up at 4 o'clock every morning just to catch up on work and still I feel way behind. My hair's shit. I've developed a mole right between my eyes. I don't need this. I don't want bad things to happen to whoever took these things.I don't want bad things to happen to other people. But I also don't want bad things to happen to me. I hate feeling like a victim. It's hard to believe HE (as in God)cares when I feel so forgotten.

Funny thing is my cat Ben has been really nice to me the past few days. He sidles up next to me all the time and yesterday even rested his head on my legs and slept there. This is very rare. He usually likes to be left alone. It's like he knows. If only cats could talk. I want a baby, so bad. I've been saving up for another IVF round , it's so expensive here.

Sometimes I feel plagued. I try so hard to be happy. Maybe that's it. I should just succumb to this depression. Just cry and cry and not stop. I feel so tired.

How I feel about him

I didn't really want to talk too much about the Cure concert because I really became so sad after I watched him (robert ) sing live. I've been in love with him for years and the first time I listened to Disintegration (though there were many other albums before this, this was the one that really got me.. that and Wish) I couldn't sleep for days and the only way I could stop the limbo I was in was by forcing myself to write a love poem for my then boyfriend (now husband).

I cannot explain this big 'lump' in my head/brain/ stomach when I thought about him and his voice and his words in those days. I got on the internet and this girl called me a Cure virgin and helped me explain the strange feeling I had inside after listening to him/them; the feeling of a great void which at the same time filled every sense of my being. I didn't really understand it fully, I never did.

then I fell in love (in real life) and got married and tried for a baby and failed and cried and travelled and laughed and my brother died and I cried and lived.

Then I saw HIM in front of me. In real life. Not just in pictures. Not in videos. Not in my dreams. He was there. They played "Open" first, I screamed. I danced, I laughed, I cried,I closed my eyes when I couldn't take it in anymore, then opened them afraid he was going to be gone. My heart beat so fast throughout the three hours I thought I would die.

My life sucks. But it's okay. I'm married to a man who loves him too (though he's not aware how much deep my obsession has been).

I shouldn't have gone to the concert. It's not real, but why do feel it is?
Nah, I'll get over this. Give me a couple of months.

Really?

Breathe, breathe in the air.
Don't be afraid to care.
Leave but don't leave me.
Look around and choose your own ground.

Long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be.

Run, rabbit run.
Dig that hole, forget the sun,
And when at last the work is done
Don't sit down it's time to dig another one.

For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race towards an early grave.

"Breathe" (Waters, Gilmour, Wright)