Anything but me

A little more than two years later

2011-03-09T20:22:00.003+08:00

What do you know. I gave up trying to conceive after my second failed ivf attempt. And I got pregnant naturally a year later. Cried everyday till I hit 13 weeks bcos I thought it was God's joke and that he would take it away once I believed it was true. But now he's one and he's so funny and lovely and every bit me and my hubby. 10years. Who would have thought I would be one of those stories. Anyway, I still hate work and have been feeling bummed lately, but I've decided to updatethis blog that has helped me through my darkest moments, in case anyone stumbles upon this and needs a little hope. Don't stop believing.

What gives me peace

2008-09-05T18:19:00.002+08:00

My husband's hands. The way he smells. My cat Ben. Lily when she sleeps. My dress from Desigual. My mom's bed. Sitting by my brother's grave. Water. Fresh flowers. Lemons. A good book. Tame hair. Clean towels.

One year later

2008-08-05T12:59:00.001+08:00

I hate feeling guilty about not doing work. But I hate work more. So.

Random Reflections

2007-08-24T08:28:00.000+08:00

No Tag Heuer watch can replace the joy that Friday brings.

An interesting answer written by a student in a test paper :

List four conditions necessary for a Golden Age:

People must be innovative and creative, there are famous painters , there is HARDLY ANY RAIN and people do not live in poverty.

Another student wrote :

There must be achievements in sciences and there must be plenty of poultry.

By the way in case YOU're listening

2007-08-23T18:50:00.000+08:00

I don't care to read about fragmentation or immune disorder problems or blocked tubes or percentages or wheatgrass anymore. I know it's not up to me so it does not matter how much I know.

YOU're GOD AND YOU CAN DO ANYTHING! So..if you're reading this, I want a baby. I don't care about the scientific details. I WANT a B-A-B-Y! The thing that cries and burps and crawls then grows.

Rant

2007-08-23T18:22:00.000+08:00

I feel about ready to explode. I'd lost my Tag Heuer a few days back, not sure when. Then 2 days ago some students stole 90 dollars from my pencil case. Why do I work so hard for these people? I have to wake up at 4 o'clock every morning just to catch up on work and still I feel way behind. My hair's shit. I've developed a mole right between my eyes. I don't need this. I don't want bad things to happen to whoever took these things.I don't want bad things to happen to other people. But I also don't want bad things to happen to me. I hate feeling like a victim. It's hard to believe HE (as in God)cares when I feel so forgotten.

Funny thing is my cat Ben has been really nice to me the past few days. He sidles up next to me all the time and yesterday even rested his head on my legs and slept there. This is very rare. He usually likes to be left alone. It's like he knows. If only cats could talk. I want a baby, so bad. I've been saving up for another IVF round , it's so expensive here.

Sometimes I feel plagued. I try so hard to be happy. Maybe that's it. I should just succumb to this depression. Just cry and cry and not stop. I feel so tired.

How I feel about him

2007-08-10T18:59:00.000+08:00

I didn't really want to talk too much about the Cure concert because I really became so sad after I watched him (robert ) sing live. I've been in love with him for years and the first time I listened to Disintegration (though there were many other albums before this, this was the one that really got me.. that and Wish) I couldn't sleep for days and the only way I could stop the limbo I was in was by forcing myself to write a love poem for my then boyfriend (now husband).

I cannot explain this big 'lump' in my head/brain/ stomach when I thought about him and his voice and his words in those days. I got on the internet and this girl called me a Cure virgin and helped me explain the strange feeling I had inside after listening to him/them; the feeling of a great void which at the same time filled every sense of my being. I didn't really understand it fully, I never did.

then I fell in love (in real life) and got married and tried for a baby and failed and cried and travelled and laughed and my brother died and I cried and lived.

Then I saw HIM in front of me. In real life. Not just in pictures. Not in videos. Not in my dreams. He was there. They played "Open" first, I screamed. I danced, I laughed, I cried,I closed my eyes when I couldn't take it in anymore, then opened them afraid he was going to be gone. My heart beat so fast throughout the three hours I thought I would die.

My life sucks. But it's okay. I'm married to a man who loves him too (though he's not aware how much deep my obsession has been).

I shouldn't have gone to the concert. It's not real, but why do feel it is?
Nah, I'll get over this. Give me a couple of months.

Really?

2007-08-03T07:06:00.000+08:00

Breathe, breathe in the air.
Don't be afraid to care.
Leave but don't leave me.
Look around and choose your own ground.

Long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be.

Run, rabbit run.
Dig that hole, forget the sun,
And when at last the work is done
Don't sit down it's time to dig another one.

For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race towards an early grave.

"Breathe" (Waters, Gilmour, Wright)

What I've been up to.

2007-07-04T21:03:00.000+08:00

I went to Vietnam in March.. went into the underground tunnels at Chu Chi in Saigon. The tour guide said I made a great Vietcong. Caught a ghost in the dark tunnels in my friend's camera.. which went into self-destructive mode after. I also went to Paris in June with my hubby. No progress with the baby though. Even Paris didn't do it for us. It was really cool though. Went to Louvre, D'orsay, Notre Dame, Eiffel,Versailles, all the usual stuff. No tour guides, just the Lonely Planet and a couple of French Phrase Books. Oh yeah, watched Amelie a couple of times before we went, to get ourselves excited. Loved the metro, Louis Vuitton (yummy!!!bought myself quite a few things..and got some birthday presents from hubby there too),Marches. The Parisians are cool. Learnt what 'trop' is and will try not to be.

My cat Ben swallowed a ribbon and we had to spend about a thousand bucks to get it out of him. He's okay now. Got a new baby kitty..a ragdoll, she's gorgeous.

Anyway, just heard The Cure's coming to Singapore in August for the first time and hubby and I just got tickets.. Whooooooooooh!! We were in Naples in 2004 and we just missed their concert there. So I'm really looking forward to this.

I fell on my face in school yesterday, in front of my students , while trying to rush from one class to another. Luckily it was on grass. Just got up, brushed myself off and ran to the next class. The kids were too stunned to react. Asked me if I was okay today.. said I was always so busy and I should stop to breathe.

Maybe...Pheeeeew

Hey

2007-04-22T20:37:00.000+08:00

Hi. Not much of an update. Just to say I'm still here. Wishing you guys well too.

Love, Annie.

No appropriate title for this

2006-11-26T11:27:00.000+08:00

Went for the laparoscopy and hysterescopy on Monday. I have a hole in my belly button and one or two holes just above my pubic bone ( it's all covered up now, I'll get to see them in two weeks time). The operation only took an hour but I only properly woke up a few hours later.
Anyway, will take a break from medical intervention for a year, even though my doc said i should only wait 6 months before i see him again. We'll see.

I watched Notre Dame de Paris the musical recently - twice! It was so...magnifique!(it was in French but they had English subtitles.)

My hubby and I are planning to go to Paris next June. If nothing else works, maybe Paris will.

By the way, I'm still thinking about writing more about my brother, as Dianne suggested. Maybe. It's kind of hard.

Maybe just a short introduction for now?

He was 20. Loved football. Was a mean goalkeeper. In fact his favourite book when he was 9 was The Goalkeeper's Revenge (i've never read it..maybe I'll find it in the library next week)

He was doing his national service in the Civil Defence Force and was supposed to march in the National Day Parade the day after he died. He had been training real hard for it and had polished his boots, all ready for the parade. We found them next to his bed.

He loved poetry but wrote it in secrecy. I only found out when I saw his diaries. (which I destroyed after..sort of burying it with him). He loved books but read in private. He was shy about his intellectual interests. He loved to take photos, of himself and others.

He loved anything with wheels. My mom was divorced by the time he was three and we were not really that well off so he didn't have that many toys. But he was really resourceful with what he had. He kept all his toys in a bag in the kitchen and would 'recycle' them in many creative ways. He liked those models of airplane, cars and motorcycles that you had to put together and paint. He only had one model car so he used to scrape its paint and repaint it once every few weeks to update it.
He carried this 'passion' for model design into his teens. He made a model of an Aprilia Motorcycle (the motorcycle my husband was riding then) out of chocolates and shyly gave it to us as a wedding gift when he was 15.
He loved his Yamaha bike when he got it at 19.

He was a devoted boyfriend. He wrote poems for her and loved her and fought with her and made up with her and discussed how much an engagement ring would cost him with my mom and me sometimes. They were supposed to watch the National Day fireworks that night, but I guess God had other plans for him.

He was a loyal friend and very popular because he was so easygoing. The shock on his best friend's face, the silent grief throughout the funeral, made me so sad. He was just sitting in the corner in my house for a long time afterwards, at a loss for words.

My brother thought I was the smartest, most sensible person in the world who knew everything, and even if I didn't, he always thought I would find out.
He was my mother's sweetheart, and so was my mom his.

Okay, I think this is enough for now. There's so much more but I can't go on.

This is an appeal. I do not want any 'advice' on how motorcycles can kill (I know, my mom knew, he knew) and how we shouldn't have let him ride (i hated those insensitive people during the funeral who thought they were helping - NOW THIS IS REAL ADVICE- next time you go to a funeral,just SHUT UP and look sad!!!).
Recently in Singapore, 5 people between the ages of 16 to 35 died in their sleep in the space of a few weeks with no prior symptoms of disease, and according to the Ministry of Health apparently this happens pretty often. You can get killed sitting on a beach in Thailand. LIFE can KILL you. So NO reference to the lethal consequences of motorcycles please. I still watch the MotoGP every other week and get crushed when Rossi doesn't get to the podium and I still love my husband's Blackbird and ride it ocassionally, even though we have a car too now.

Anyway, I better stop. See Dianne, this is is why it was so hard. But I'm glad I said it.

Heavy stuff

2006-11-16T17:26:00.000+08:00

Not feeling too good today. My period came again so I went to see my doctor and will go for surgery to try to unblock my right tube and clear whatever's blocking my chances for conception. My hubby's worried about me but right now I'm at my wit's end and I guess I'm game for anything at this stage.

Have been depressed and crying about my brother too, though not telling anyone (in real life) about it. It's tough, but there's nothing much i can do about anything. Had a real great work review with my superior who said the way I handled my brother's death and how I didn't let it affect my performance showed real strength on my part...I know he meant it as a compliment but I kept waking up in the middle of the night the following few nights after with his words ringing in my ears and such a sense of emptiness in me. My brother's death.. real strength on my part.. good work review.. Doesn't seem right. I don't know how to analyse this, I just feel sad.

It's getting harder to remember the times we had together, though sometimes these pictures of the past pop up real clear in my head when I least expect it.

I don't know to whether wait gracefully for death or to fight hard for this life. I guess I'm in between things right now. I just hope I don't slip through the cracks.

My trip

2006-10-28T08:00:00.000+08:00

A very late update on my weekend trip.

I had a great time. It was just wonderful lazing around and walking on the beach and drinking colourful drinks at half price from 3-5 in the afternoon. It was really cool. We watched eagles feeding and I even got to swim in a green lake that's supposed to be magical and make it easier for infertile women to become pregnant. I don't believe in magic, but it was a romantic notion.

Then I flew back in to Singapore and it was all hectic from there till today.

But yesterday, we finally let all our monkeys go and now their parents can worry about what to do with them for the next two months and I'm free!!!! At least for a while.

These are some pics from my trip. I really loved the eagles.

Things I want to have

2006-09-06T19:30:00.000+08:00

Trying to shake off this feeling of being depressed and denied, so though I'd write out this entirely selfish list which probably will reveal more than I want to show about myself, but heck, this is almost anonymous. If I can't be selfish anonymously than I don't know what this blog is for.

So here goes... if I could have it all I'd want..

1) Money- enough not to worry about losing my job.
2) Gorgeous long legs.
3) A tiny waist.
4) Better hair.
5) A well-defined chin.
6) A domestic helper to help out with the housechores.
7) Free flights all year round so I could fly to meet my best friend anytime I want or whisk her off to Europe and hang out and talk and cry and laugh.
8) (Slightly)bigger boobs
9) better psychomotor skills
10) a better ball sense
11) well-defined athletic-looking thighs and arms
12) musical talent
13) really cool expensive furniture
14) my brother still alive and well and me die first before anyone else I love.. but I guess he got that wish first.
15) my husband to stay sweet and nag me less
16) high metabolism
17) photographic memory
18) the gift of eloquence- so people will understand me better and hence irritate me less
19) a superfertile agile strong body- so I can give birth to superfertile gorgeous kind geniuses.
20) to believe without fear.

Ben Pics

2006-09-06T19:23:00.000+08:00

Ben kissing his teddy before going to sleep.

Pain, a Great Protector

2006-09-05T14:37:00.000+08:00

Something interesting I read yesterday in Placebo by Dylan Evans:

The value of feeling bad is nowhere illustrated than in the case of pain. Pain, as everyone* knows, is a great protector.

... acute pain is beneficial, causing you to move quickly from damaging objects..

..Even more important is the second type of pain (which)is deep and spreading.

..it causes you to keep the wounded area as still as possible, and encourages you to take extra care to shield the area from fresh injury...

The capacity for pain then, confers an advantage on those who have it.

(* everyone, except me, I guess)

Ben

2006-09-04T17:10:00.000+08:00

We adopted a kitten last week. His mother had given birth to him and his four siblings outside my mother-in-law's flat 5 weeks ago. I'd never kept any pets before, other than fish, so taking Ben (my kitten) home was a big move. He's really the sweetest thing, brown and white with a bent tail.

Only thing is, he's pretty pampered by now..yes it's only been a week. He was toilet-trained pretty quickly, but gets his way with us pretty much otherwise.

No, I've not given up my dream of having my own child though. I have been trying TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) to regain my health and so far, I see some positive changes.

Will go for an operation in November to 'unblock' my right tube and then try on our own for a year before considering IVF for the second time. We need the rest; physically, emotionally and financially.

Going for a short trip with hubby this weekend. I hope to have some sun,sand,sea and s..

Someday I'll get over this

2006-08-05T18:58:00.000+08:00

First of all I want to thank Snow/Hanni,Inspector Monkfish and the other kind readers who prayed for me. Your comments and prayers were so kind and eloquent. The news is, I just got my AF (period) today. Been crying in the shower,but I hope I'll be okay soon. Just take one day at a time,I guess. Thanks everyone. I'll remember you in my prayers.

The torturous 2week wait

2006-07-25T18:08:00.000+08:00

Well,
I've been up and down physically and emotionally since last Thursday. Had my retrieval in the morning. DH was with me when they did the retrieval. I was out during the procedure and woke up in another room about half an hour later.

I had to lie down for another 2 hrs, which was difficult. My DH fell asleep on the chair waiting for me to 'recover'. My tummy felt real sore and I was so worried about how many eggs they managed to collect.

2 hours later, the nurse gave me something warm to drink. I got up fast and that was a mistake, cos' I reeled over and had to lie down some more. Later they made me go to the toilet to pee to check that there was no blood in my urine. There was none but I almost passed out again and had to bend over and put me head in between my knees to keep from fainting. It was not a pleasant experience.

So anyway, somehow managed to get dressed and go to doctor's office which was on the floor above. Found out I only had 7 eggs. I didn't know how to react, just wanted to go home. Almost passed out again when I got out of the car and puked buckets into a paper bag. DH almost carried me home.

So anyway, got a call from the nurse the next day and she told me out of 7 eggs only 5 were mature and 2 fertilised. Only two. I cried and prayed so hard for my eggs that night and made my mom and DH pray along. I was so scared the two embies would not survive overnight.

On Saturday, I still felt bloated but no longer pukey. Went in for the Egg Transfer and it was over in 5 minutes. Later the embryologist came to DH and me and told us more about our embies. There was quite a bit of fragmentation (I guess they take after me, so fragile and fragmented)and their grades were 2 to 3 (1 being the best and 4 being the worst.)

So anyway, that was that. will be off work till this weekend but have been dreaming about work every night. Have been crying and praying lots and talking to my embies and telling them that I love them even if they're not perfect. I test on 8 Aug to see if I'm pregnant and don't know if I'll post till then.

Just so so consumed with fear, hope, anxiety, depression...I guess just being SO MYSELF right now.

When my brother passed away, he had a contented smile on his face which was difficult to achieve when you die from an accident. But I think it was a look of relief..finally knowing some answers,you know...

I'm praying for a miracle.

Soon..

2006-07-19T08:17:00.000+08:00

I'm on leave from work. Had my trigger shot last night and my butt was a bit sore for the rest of the night. Felt really bloated this morning.
Tomorrow I get my eggs retrieved! I'm so nervous. I hope they manage to collect many good eggs and they all fertilise to the best grade embryos possible!

I've been reading the Infertle Myrtle comics and I'm thinking, they're really funny, but sometimes I'm taken aback by the way pregnant women are constantly dissed there. I still enjoy the dark humour though.

I'm not going to say too much lest I offend anyone. I have learnt so much from infertility forums/websites/blogs and I know it's hard to stay positive when you feel let down time after time.

Last week I was talking to my kids about the Buddhist belief (it was a topic on Religions and Philosophies) that the root of all suffering is human desire.

Desire makes you nervous, anxious, sad, angry, jealous... and a whole lot of negative emotions.

But putting aside all my desires makes me depressed. Life is confusing. Sometimes we teach better than we learn.

I shall try to stay calm and balanced.

A Prayer for Annie

2006-07-15T08:13:00.000+08:00

Went to see my RE (doctor) yesterday. My follicles are doing okay. In fact he said he was quite happy with my progress, as I was producing "not too little and not too many"but he said it very cautiously. Anyway, I'd probably have my eggs retrieved on Wednesday or Thursday. Then they would be fertilised by DH's 'swimmers' in a petri dish and hopefully transferred back into my uterus by Saturday or Sunday. After that, I'd have a 2 week-wait(2ww) before we can test to see if the IVF has succeeded.

Actually, my doctor need not have been worried about overpromising me anything. I know the deal. Only 1 in 3 succeed, and DH and me know at the end of the day we have to accept whatever God wants to give us. He knows best and I'll walk down whichever path he chooses for me. How do I know IVF is the correct path? I don't. But we've been trying to conceive for 5 out of the 6 years we've been married now and let's just say the series of events we've had to go through [which included my younger brother's death (10 years younger but wiser than me,he was MY PRECIOUS -part of my heart died that day)2 years ago] has led us to where we are right now.

I feel like Virginia Woolf, with all these parentheses. Sometimes I feel like her. All alone and not able to get out of dark waters i get myself into. Sometimes I feel like I live in permanent state of pain, but then I pray and HE relieves my pain.

I'm aware of all the risks that I'm putting myself in (physically, emotionally and spiritually), but I'm willing to try. I feel so special already, having a 1 in 3 chance. I have a blocked fallopian tube (which reduces my chance of conceiving greatly- my husband is fine) so IVF would help us bypass my tubes. I've added a link to an infertility blog hosted by a fertility specialist if anybody wants to know more..I don't feel I'm qualified to answer the more technical questions.

Please pray for me.

Wild mood swings

2006-07-13T22:52:00.000+08:00

I was supervising some kids (16 year-olds) after school today and suddenly got hungry. So took a candy bar and ate it while they were doing their work. I looked up and realised one of the boys had been staring at me fascinatedly. This was the same boy I caught masturbating in my class last year. I thought it was the topic that got him going then (I was talking about Hitler) but now I'm not so sure.Anyway, this is absolutely random and irrelevant.

But I've not had sex for a while now and really badly want to but don't know if it'll affect anything. Anyway, going to have a scan tomorrow to see if eggs are ready to be retrieved. I'm guessing not yet.

Since I'm being random and irrelevant, this Cure song reminds me of me and this blog.

This is stranger than I thought
Six different ways inside my heart
And everyone I'll keep tonight
Six different ways go deep inside

I'll tell them anything at all
I know I'll give them more and more
I'll tell them anything at all
I know I'll give the world and more
They think I'm on my hands and head
This time they're much too slow

Six sides to every lie I say
It's that American voice again
It was never quite like this before
Not one of you is the same

This is stranger than I thought
Six different ways inside my heart
And everyone I'll keep tonight
Six different ways go deep inside

If you haven't listened to this song you should... it sounds like a caterpillar walking.. I don't know how to explain.

I don't care if Mondays' blue, Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too..

2006-07-12T20:27:00.000+08:00

I didn't go to work yesterday. It was too much trouble to get out of bed. Don't really know what to say but just felt like writing something down. Feeling cramps in my tummy (actually abdomen) but I think it's a good sign, Grow, follicles, grow. Before IF (infertility) I'd always thought only hair had follicles.

My head hurts.

2006-07-10T19:24:00.000+08:00

I've been working about 14 to 16 hours a day these days, and I'm really tired. We're now up to 2 injections every morning, one Lucrin and one Gonal F. My DH is pretty gentle and it didn't hurt initially but after 2 weeks of having needles poked into my tummy every morning and then having to go to work and pretend that everything's the same, I 'm exhausted. My DH says I've been a good girl cos' I don't complain and quietly take the injections everyday. Sometimes it hurts though. I try not to think too much about it but these days I do feel like I want to burst out crying at work, except nobody (except my boss) knows and I have to keep on smiling and being professional,mature Annie.

My head hurts and I really want to sleep right now but I've still got piles of work to go through. It's better if DH is around but he's on the afternoon shift today and I've got no one to snuggle up against. He usually makes me feel less guilty about work.

I think I'll go lie down and cry now.

Today

2006-07-07T17:42:00.000+08:00

I'd written a few things in here and then one day decided to delete everything. Like I said, I appear normal to most but some close friends correctly suspect my disfunctional nature.
It was liberating deleting all those files though. Very deliciously self-destructive and without much consequence, except maybe pissing off some readers. (sorry)

It's strange. I'd done this before. I wrote a poem for a boyfriend once, read it to him and tore it up immediately cos' I didn't want him to remember it. He was pissed off and confused. I have a fear of being remembered.

I 'm not sure why. Like I said, I don't know what to do with me.